There is a Chinese saying that one lives through four stages of life, just like the seasons of the year. I lived as a young caterpillar during the spring of my life, in an empty state of consumption and learning of knowledge. I lived as a formless cocoon in the summer, pleasing everyone wishes and what they expected of me in the society as a faceless soul in the sea of capitalism.
In autumn, I was a hungry greedy caterpillar. I chewed on leaves after leaves, full of greed. I consumed and consumed, growing in size, as I ate from day to night. Like a greedy child who was never full despite the amount of candy, his mother gave him.
In an enclosed cocoon state, in a blank state. My identity was formless like water, yet it sparkled like the fragments of a broken diamond. My shiny cocoon insulated me from the winter. It made me turn a blind eye to who I was, inside, as I lived in a half lie and half truth.
In the half-life, I was living in my dreams that one day I would emerge as a Butterfly. I would conquer the skies with my rainbow wings, and find my lover in the lush tropical forest, and flutter into the skies towards dusk.
In my half-truth, I was nothing but asleep. Life past by slowly like a film in monochrome black and white. I would drift through life like a floating leaf in the sea, not reacting, but just observing and being engulfed by the waves… sinking into the depths without a choice.
In my half truth and lies, I wore a white and black mask.
When I wore my white mask, I tried to seek for the one to liberate my soul from my dreamlike state. I begged and prayed each night, for someone to save me from the dark night of my soul. I needed help. I felt I was sinking into the ocean depths, and I could not wake up from this terrible dream. I was nothing but a mess of self-pity, that had no reprieve. I craved to submit and worship the one and only one true Master of my desires.
When I wore my black mask, I tried to seek for materialistic needs. I needed more of everything – bags, clothes, houses, holidays. I needed the world at my feet. I wanted to control the minds of minions. I wanted to be worshipped. I wanted everyone to serve my every desire to be at the top of society, as I look down, mocking at the little pathetic minions. I would amuse myself with their antics as I chewed on a bittersweet dark chocolate, enjoying the pleasures of life under the starry skies with a slave kneeling by my feet.
Of course, they were both half truth and half lies.
I wanted to emerge from my disillusion. But I did not know how. Did I need someone to save me? Or do I need to save someone? I was lost.
I stumbled upon a munch. A munch. What was that? A hamburger outing? To my curiosity, it was for people who were like me. Those who were living in their cocoon states, waiting to emerge as butterflies.
At the local munch, I met others with their rainbow wings, glittering under the lights in their full splendour. They were happy and high. They were soaring in the skies, accepting each other with tenderness. Their passionate voices were calling out to my soul to emerge, to join them and fly towards the skies.
In my cocoon state, I watched others like me emerge from their cocoons and flutter towards the light. I wasn’t alone in the ocean. There were many others like me, floating aimlessly, waiting for that very chance to shine.
I tore the exterior of my cocoon shell, as I reached a tiny hand out into the open. I felt the atmosphere of warmth and love go through my fingers, deep into my veins, feeling me up with new found sensations that pulsated into my heart strings. I felt a new aliveness, that I was finally going to be liberated from the dark dream state of the enclosed cocoon.
I spread out my rainbow wings in full width, I fluttered my wings and flew towards the direction of the light, joining the butterflies in their warm loving embrace, mingling and munching in the dance of love.
Thank you, Fetlife.